When I first got in to this mum-ing thing I felt consumed. Every. Single. Moment. Of. The. Day. I felt that I had to be hyper vigilant of everything I said. Every action. I was being scrutinized and one thing could stick in these children’s brains forever as that thing New Mummy did that was weird. Maybe there’d be some new routines that they would never get used to.
Um. Well. It’s still that way. What has changed is my confidence. As I developed new habits of behaviour for myself, new ways of speaking (read: explaining every single thing I do and what they should be doing unlike I have ever done before), I garnered assurances from JMac that I was doing well. Doing the right things. I didn’t have a doubt that I was doing good. What I didn’t get was that these new rhythms were going to take hold and become second nature. The new rhythms would become Me. What is so cool now is that I don’t over think the process as much any more. I have, it seems, so many more moments to myself now. Granted, the kids are a tiny bit older (1 year makes a difference) and more independent now but another part is that they feel more secure in our family unit and they LEAVE ME ALONE. They are not in a constant race to gain favour and neither am I. They too, are more confident in our family’s invisible threads that keep us safe and bound.
I wonder if there are any step parents out there that have reached this plateau with this lovely view. Feels like a canyon of possibility has opened before me and it’s breaking dawn. There is a light mist that shrouds the future. The unknowable. It’s wispy cool moisture brushes against my face. Refreshing. Momentary.